Opening up a relationship is a complex journey requiring clear communication, deep self-reflection, and mutual respect. In this article, we've gathered insights from various experts in sex and relationships to guide those considering this significant change. Their diverse perspectives emphasize the necessity of honest dialogue, understanding personal motivations, and establishing clear boundaries.
These professionals—from therapists to sexologists and relationship coaches—highlight the importance of trust, emotional safety, and the unique challenges and opportunities that come with navigating non-monogamy. Their advice serves as a roadmap, offering practical steps and thoughtful considerations for couples embarking on this transformative journey.
Together, these expert opinions underscore the multifaceted nature of open relationships and the personalized approach required to explore them healthily and successfully.
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Colin Richards - Sex & Relationship Therapist
Clear and honest communication is the starting point. But to have this, both should first explore their own motivation for wanting to open the relationship. If they do not, assumptions and incorrect deductions can mean that any new experience will falter.
Am I not good enough? Are they bisexual? Is there something wrong with my body? These are all possible fears when, in reality, the motivation may be more about wanting a shared adventure, pleasing the other partner, and exploring new sensations and dynamics.
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Charon Normand-Widmer - Somatic Sexologist
Be clear on the 'mission statement' of the primary relationship, then bring in clarity on the 'why' of opening. Negotiation will be the pillar upon which the opening will stand, so leaning to negotiate all aspects of the opening in a predictor of success.
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Nick Trichkov - Tantra Expert
When opening your relationship the most important things are confidence and trust first in yourself, and then in your partner. It's important to recognize that there will always be someone better and that you and your partner have made the choice to be and stay together.
The essence of being together lies in the commitment, rather than constantly seeking someone better. Once this foundation is established, you can discuss rules and boundaries.
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Kristen O’Guin - Sex & Relationships Coach
When couples are interested in opening their relationship, it's extremely important that both people are truly ready to do so. If one partner is demanding, presenting an ultimatum, or even just putting pressure on the other, it's probably not going to turn out well. Pushing someone to open up might make it happen faster, but it does not make them any more ready. Likewise, if a partner is overly sacrificing themselves and allowing things they are not actually comfortable with, this is also not healthy. Resentment can start to build, and people can feel taken advantage of or used.
If you're not sure whether you're ready, use the sensations of your body to help guide you. When you think of opening up the relationship, what sensations do you feel? Do you feel light-hearted and expansive? Or perhaps butterflies of excitement? Or do the butterflies feel more like dread and anxiety? Does your body feel tight and tense at the thought? Or do you feel open and relaxed?
If a partner is not ready, but is genuinely interested in trying an open relationship, there are many resources available. Use your favorite search engine to find books, articles, and videos on the topic. It can also be very helpful to be part of a community of like-minded people. Facebook groups and other online communities might be the easiest to find, especially if you are in a rural area. But you can also search for meet-ups in your area for people who practice consensual non-monogamy, polyamory, etc.
Letting things unfold in right timing is part of the foundation for success. Rushing things could sacrifice the well-being of individuals and the relationship itself. Moving forward in sync together, even if a bit more slowly, is necessary for the health and longevity of the relationship.
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Haylin Belay - Sex & Relationships Educator
Remember that "ethical non-monogamy" is an umbrella term, not a rulebook! Open relationships, swinging, polyamory - all of these terms describe different structures, and even two similarly-structured relationships might have radically different guidelines and commitments.
As a relationship anarchist, I firmly believe that all relationships should be negotiated based on the mutual needs, wants, and boundaries of the people involved. So before you get lost in the ENM vocab list, take some time (separately!) to really think through what those needs, wants, and boundaries might be. Most importantly, ask yourself: why? What are the values, beliefs, and preferences you're exploring? ENM is just as much as practice of getting to know yourself as it is exploring new partners.
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Erica Leroye - Somatic Sexologist
Learning how to listen and respond to your body’s cues is essential when opening up a relationship. Even when both partners are seemingly enthusiastic and on-board the body may be slower to agree to the new situation. It is very common for there to be some “cock confusion” when switching from a familiar partner to new partners and allowing the penis to take its time to get comfortable with new situations and stimulations is different than “ED”.
It is also common when opening a relationship for the mind to be “fine and in agreement” when a partner is on a date but for the body to produce more of the anxiety hormones (cortisol, adrenaline) than expected. Talk about and practice what self-care will look like until compersion happens, which is often a much longer journey than anticipated and not always achieved. Comparison is the ability to actually feel happy in both our bodies and our minds for other’s happiness.
Allow time to track sensations and name them, “oh, I just had a great experience with someone else yet I am noticing I am constricting, what is that about?” Or “I know you want to tell me about your recent experience because we originally agreed on that, but I notice that my body is signaling me to shut down, so let’s hug or touch first before we talk.” When listening to the body’s signals it is much easier to make adjustments to what the minds initially agreed to and changes accusations of emotional jealousy or fear into acknowledgement of our “human mammal” physical realities that can more easily be soothed and contained so we can grow with curiosity and levity into what the minds want to explore.
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Rebbeca Lahann - Sex Therapist
Opening a relationship can be a complex and challenging decision that requires careful consideration and communication between partners. Here are some key tips for individuals contemplating opening their relationship:
Establish clear communication: Open and honest communication is paramount when considering opening a relationship. Initiate a candid conversation with your partner to explore each other's thoughts, feelings, and motivations behind the desire to open the relationship. Express your needs, concerns, and boundaries openly and respectfully, and encourage your partner to do the same.
Clarify expectations and boundaries: Take the time to clarify and negotiate the terms and boundaries of the open relationship. Discuss your comfort levels, desires, and potential areas of discomfort or insecurity. Establish mutually agreed-upon guidelines regarding emotional and physical intimacy with other partners, frequency of communication, safer sex practices, and disclosure of outside relationships.
Prioritize emotional safety: Recognize and validate each other's emotions throughout the process of opening the relationship. Be mindful of the potential for jealousy, insecurity, and emotional vulnerability that may arise, and commit to supporting each other with empathy, compassion, and reassurance.
Cultivate trust and transparency: Foster a culture of trust and transparency by honoring your commitments, respecting agreed-upon boundaries, and maintaining open lines of communication. Keep your partner informed about your experiences, feelings, and interactions with other partners, and encourage them to do the same.
Embrace ongoing communication and reassessment: Embrace ongoing communication and periodic reassessment of the open relationship dynamics. Check in with each other regularly to discuss any concerns, challenges, or changes in boundaries or feelings that may arise over time. Be flexible and willing to adjust the relationship structure as needed to ensure the emotional well-being and satisfaction of both partners.
Opening a relationship requires a strong foundation of trust, communication, and mutual respect. By approaching the process with openness, empathy, and a commitment to transparency, individuals can navigate the complexities of non-monogamy while fostering intimacy, connection, and personal growth within their relationship.
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Teresa Johnson - Sex & Relationships Therapist
If you are in a solid healthy monogamous partnership and and want to open your relationship, you have many important conversations ahead. Honest communication is essential for consensual non-monogamy (CNM).
Bring your skills for open-hearted dialogue so you and your partner can discuss what you each want and what concerns you each have. Consider what patterns of your relationship may be amplified if you are sharing your time with other people. If you both want to explore non-monogamy, do you both want the same flavor of CNM? What are your communication skills that help you work through differences and make repairs?
Explore together what about opening your relationship will be challenging, and what about this shift can nourish your relationship. Take your time to do this work together before diving in so you have a sense of how to navigate this new phase of your relationship in ways that work for both of you.
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Final Words
Opening up a relationship requires clear communication, self-awareness, and mutual understanding. The key to successfully navigating this transition lies in thoroughly exploring individual motivations and establishing clear boundaries and expectations. Trust, confidence, and emotional safety are essential, with a focus on respecting each partner's comfort levels and readiness.
Professionals in sex and relationships advise taking time to understand and articulate personal needs and to engage in honest discussions about fears and desires. It's crucial to approach this change with an open mind and a commitment to navigating challenges together. For those considering this path, it's important to proceed with care, patience, and respect for each other’s feelings and boundaries. If questions or challenges arise, seeking guidance from a professional in sex and relationships can provide support and clarity on this complex journey.
