In long-term loving relationships, it is not uncommon for sexual intimacy to wane over time, raising questions about why this happens and how to address it. To explore the complexities of this issue, we reached out to a diverse group of professionals specializing in sex and relationships for their expert opinions. The responses highlight a wide array of causes—ranging from stress, poor communication, and the challenges of maintaining intimacy amidst life’s pressures.
Isabel Lamar - Sex & Relationships Coach
I believe that one of the core pieces that causes sex to cease is stress but even more so, is a lack of epic sex and Sacred Union. Stress can interfere with sexual desire and performance in several ways. It can lead to decreased libido, anxiety, and self-judgment, making it difficult for individuals to feel sexually aroused or engaged. The quality of sexual experiences plays a crucial role in maintaining sexual desire and satisfaction over time.
Couples who prioritise expanding their sexual connection, through tantra, mutual pleasure, communication, and exploration in their sexual encounters are more likely to experience greater satisfaction and intimacy. Sacred Union can elevate a couple's sexual experience to deeper emotional, spiritual, physical, and transpersonal levels, fostering healing and transformation beyond the physical act of sex.
Another thing that can happen in long-term relationships is that sex can become very predictable. Often loving couples stop embracing their desires for fear of hurting the other. It is really important to learn how to really meet each other's desires and how to experience a level of intimacy that keeps the connection alive, and even more passionate through the years.
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Erica Leroye - Somatic Sexologist
Sex often ceases in a loving relationship when the various stressors of life impact spontaneous desire (I want you now!) and the couple does not actively create opportunities for responsive desire. Most people do not know or understand that actively generating and harnessing the trifecta of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, is necessary to combat “stress” and is most easily accomplished through loving, playful connection.
There is a stigma that making a date for sex is a “less than” experience. Actively choosing to put time to be intimate together on the calendar, prioritizing it, sends signals to the body that it can start to switch anxiety into anticipation, constriction into relaxation. Many people underestimate how hormones impact libido and that like any other physical activity, you need to keep moving through the plateaus rather than give up. As "human mammals", post-childbearing women, in particular, are at risk of directing their oxytocin/serotonin connectivity towards children or other women and must consciously choose to override that urge to push the male away and make physical connection with their partner a priority.
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Teresa Johnson - Sex & Relationships Therapist
Long-term partners often take each other for granted and stop prioritizing intimate time together. Because our lives are filled with so many responsibilities that romantic encounters and sexual play may receive little energy. When we aren’t investing in our erotic connection with our partners, sex may become boring and disinteresting.
If we want to revive our sexual relationship, we need to bring energy and interest. If we’ve had a sexless dynamic for a long time, we’ll likely have an awkward phase in the shift from a platonic dynamic into a romantic and erotic dynamic. Each partner may have their own narrative about their partner’s lack of interest or disappointment. Challenge yourselves to step into vulnerable and intimate conversations about the connection you miss with each other. Co-create new experiences that reflect your authentic sexuality at this phase of your life.
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Tamara Klemich - Sex Coach
The idea that a vibrant sex life should just be expected without any effort. Sex is a skill that is learned and creating healthy, fulfilling sexuality in relationships requires both/all partners to make it a priority and choose to invest time, energy, and effort in keeping the juices flowing. Choose together to make it a priority and set time each week to either learn, grow or be in intimacy together as an ongoing practice.
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Lanae St. John - Sex & Relationships Coach
In many loving relationships, when intimacy starts to fade, like not having sex, it often boils down to one thing: communication, or rather, the lack of it. Sometimes, couples might have never really mastered talking about deep or difficult things. They might be worried about being judged, unsure how to bring up sensitive subjects, or they take things too personally.
All these hurdles essentially stem from struggles with communication. Yes, there are other factors that can make people feel less inclined towards intimacy, like health issues or stress. But from what I’ve seen in my work, a lot of it comes back to the challenge of having open, heartfelt conversations with their partner. It’s about being able to share your true feelings and needs without fear of being misunderstood or judged. Opening up to your partner and having these honest discussions can be a game-changer. It's not just about improving your sex life; it's about strengthening your bond on all levels. When both partners feel heard and understood, it naturally brings them closer, making room for intimacy to grow again. Creating a space where both of you can talk openly and listen to each other is key. It’s about bridging that gap and reconnecting, not just physically but emotionally too. So, improving communication might very well be the first step towards reigniting that spark and deepening your connection.
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In this expert roundup, professionals specializing in sex and relationships have provided valuable insights into why sex may cease in loving relationships. Stress, hormonal shifts, lack of communication, and the everyday pressures of life all contribute to diminished sexual intimacy. Isabel Lamar highlights the role of stress and the need for couples to embrace deeper emotional and spiritual connection, while Erica Leroye focuses on the importance of actively cultivating desire through playful intimacy. Gemma Nice and Lanae St. John both emphasize the critical role of communication, reminding us that open, honest discussions are essential for maintaining intimacy. Teresa Johnson and Tamara Klemich remind us that maintaining an erotic connection requires effort, time, and energy, and that intimacy must be nurtured intentionally over time. Overall, the message is clear: while sexual intimacy can fade, it can also be revived with effort, communication, and a willingness to reconnect on deeper levels.
Final Words
If you are facing challenges in your relationship or have questions about how to maintain or reignite intimacy, consider reaching out to one of the professionals featured in this article. Their expertise in sex and relationships can provide guidance and support to help you navigate these complex issues and strengthen your connection with your partner.
