Do you and your partner treasure mutually chosen pleasure in your sexual relationship?
Many people experience pleasure inequity and unwanted sex because our culture has a gendered narrative about sex that centers men’s sexual pleasure and assigns women to be of service to men’s pleasure. While this narrative does not play out in all relationships, many people have internalized this message, especially in intimate relationships between men and women and for people raised in these respective gender roles. Culturally we have made some headway in pleasure equity, but we still have much to heal.
When a woman grows up with the message that her desires do not matter, and her primary objective is to please her partner, her sex life may reflect that messaging. Discovering her own sexual desires may be challenging. When she does experience pleasure, feelings of guilt or shame may surface if she has internalized messages that sexual pleasure is for men. This kind of cultural conditioning contributes to experiences of objectification and performative sex that minimize a woman’s desires.
Rather than sex being a mutually enjoyable experience, a woman may be seen by herself or her partner as an object of pleasure. Instead of being authentic in her experience, she may forgo her feelings and be in performance mode to please her partner, especially if she knows that his pleasure is based on her pleasure. Performing can include the appearance of being in pleasure for the ego or arousal of the partner, as well as a way of getting through sex more quickly when the experience is not enjoyable. To be able to tolerate sex that she may not want or enjoy in that moment, she may adapt by using substances or dissociating during sex.
The couple may sense some disconnect without being able to identify the problem, or she may be aware of the discrepancies and harboring resentment, anger, or despair. This imbalance may be particularly difficult for the male partner to understand and process when his pleasure comes from giving his partner pleasure.
When a couple has been having sex for years based on one partner’s preferences and desired frequency, addressing this issue can initially be very uncomfortable for both partners. She may be afraid or unsure of how to give voice to her feelings if she is preoccupied with managing her partner’s emotions and not wanting him to feel hurt.
When a caring person begins to understand that his partner may have felt coerced or obligated to engage in sex, he may feel confused and ashamed that their sexual experiences were unwanted or not enjoyed by his partner.
While addressing unwanted sex within a loving relationship can be difficult, continuing with an unhealthy sexual dynamic is more detrimental to a healthy relationship and can result in sexual trauma. A first step can be for both partners to recognize the cultural conditioning that has informed their sexual dynamics. Most people can agree they would prefer their sexual experiences to be enjoyable, desired, and pleasurable for all involved. Recognizing this shared value can help couples work through the guilt and shame that past sexual experiences have created.
Joint sex therapy can help couples make the shift from confusion and shame to healing the pain from their past sexual dynamic. Individual therapy for each partner may be needed as part of the process, especially if the female partner has felt traumatized or the male partner is struggling to adapt to a newer understanding.
Couples can build trust with each other that consent can be authentically offered or withdrawn without consequences. Often only after couples have established this new agreement is there an opportunity for the female partner to feel safe enough to begin developing her own desire for sex in this relationship.
If you have a sense of disconnection in your sex life, even if you don’t know exactly what it is, consider whose sexual desires are being centered. If you are the partner who has been socialized to feel rejected if your partner says no to sex, I encourage you to learn more about your partner’s experiences of sexual desire, sexual pleasure, and emotional connection. Invite meaningful conversations about the importance of moment-to-moment consent, creating space for clear and honest communication.
If you are a female partner who has already recognized discrepancies in your sexual experiences, you may have strong feelings of anger, resentment, or despair when you think about your partner’s sexual desire. If you realize you have operated for years as a giver or allower of the other’s wishes, sex therapy can provide a space to process past unwanted sexual experiences, discover and challenge unconscious beliefs, and release yourself from a sense of obligation to sex. This space can then allow for your discovery of your own sexual desires and enhance your capacity for presence, emotional connection, and authentic pleasure during sexual intimacy.
If you and your partner are on this journey of rewriting the scripts in your sexual dynamic, I am hopeful for you both that you’ll ultimately co-create a mutually meaningful and pleasurable sexual relationship that nourishes your emotional bond.
Teresa Johnson, PhD CST
