Have you ever had to end a relationship prematurely? Or maybe you’ve experienced staying in a relationship for waaaaay too long after the ‘expiration date’ of the healthy partnership.
Poltergeists and Zombies
I’ve been there — yes both places —but the relationships I’ve had to end early have been crueller to me emotionally. And the truth is that the ‘’unfinished business’’ of a prematurely ended relationship is worse than a poltergeist — it haunts you relentlessly and (maybe) forever.
Wishing it didn’t have to end. Wondering about all the dreamy ‘’what-ifs’’. Doubting whether the logical decision made was right. The sweet memories are mixed with the regrets and sadness of it having ended.
I guess that’s why so many people don’t end relationships even when they really should. They would rather let their relationships die, rot and turn into zombies before they end them… This way, they know for sure — it is dead, stinky, horrid and not appealing to go back to… Unless….
Unless a person is suffering from fear of loneliness and/or low self-esteem that keeps them rotting away too in the dead relationship — thinking they cannot get anything better or don’t deserve it or a million other reasons… Or maybe it’s all circumstantial — inability to leave, all down to socio-economic reasons, or else.
But there will be no regrets and no what-ifs when you’re not mourning the loss of something that was still beautiful, fun and full of potential… Rather there often is self-doubt, bitterness, sadness, anger even of how the last X amount of months, years or decades have been spent — I am mindful of not using the word ‘lost’.
Harsh!
So, what am I saying here? That we end up with either relationship Poltergeists or Zombies? Maybe… At least that’s where I see most people stuck — in the realms of unfinished business or the lands of the walking dead…
What may be a healthier choice to make? That’s easy to say but more difficult to execute — no puns intended here.
Healthier Choices
The healthier choice is about getting to know yourself better and being clear on things like:
- what is important for you to have in a relationship — the must-have ingredients that make it worth your time — because time = life.
- what are your non-negotiables, heart-breakers and deal breakers?
- where are your limits, what are your boundaries when it comes to sharing your time, space, resources, life with someone
- what memories would you rather have of a relationship, and what kind of experience do you want to have with the other person after the relationship has ended
- and the most difficult of all — can you commit to opening your eyes to the real person in front of you when opening your heart for them; rather than blindly walking into a relationship with a fantasy you created in your mind and loving the projection of it — most likely mixed with the fakeness the other one is trying to charm you with?
I am all clear on these, and this is why as much as I still suffer from my Poltergeist relationship — I’d choose it over having Zombies every day. But I and everyone else still have another option — the Phoenix relationship.
The Phoenix
So my most precious relationship even today is with an ex-partner — because there’s something extraordinary in accepting the death of a relationship and not trying to revive it — turning it into a Zombie in the process.
When a death of a relationship is accepted, a new one can be built. A little bit like a Phoenix. Unlike a Zombie that dies and is resurrected — a Phoenix dies and is reborn.
Letting a relationship die and then working on helping it to become a Phoenix is healthier and more extraordinary. Yes, it takes a fair amount of work from both sides — but it is worth it, for the sake of our past together, for personal growth, for the peace and wellness of everyone involved — be it children, friends, extended family and more.
Opening your mind to the concept of accepting the death of a relationship is the first step to Zombie-free past and present.
Living with a Poltergeist may be painful, but it’s also beautiful — the memories are not poisoned by the erosion of the relationship. And as they say — we should be grateful that we had these positive experiences in the first place. Surely, having had them and losing them is better than never having them at all, right?
So, what is your experience of relationships and break-ups? Looking back is your relationship history full of Zombies, Poltergeists or Phoenixes?
✨ If you have found this article insightful and you want to examine and work on your own relationship with commitment, relationships with others and more, feel invited to book a FREE Discovery Call with me via Zoom.
The Author
 | Leah Spasova |
