Check out the corresponding podcast episode!
What You’ll Learn:
- Why many women find themselves stuck in the “orgasm-as-the-goal” rut.
- How understanding your delayed sexual response and responsive desire can shift your sexual experiences.
- Why women often avoid asking for what they want during sex—and how to change that.
Why Does This Matter?
Sex should be about pleasure—something that makes you feel good, strengthens your relationship, and lets you connect with your partner. At its best, it’s fun, intimate, and empowering.
But for many women, especially in long-term relationships, that’s not the reality. Instead, sex can become something done out of obligation, often focused on a partner’s satisfaction rather than their own. It can leave you waiting for it to be over, feeling disconnected or even resentful.
When sex shifts from something you want to do to something you have to do, it stops being a source of joy and starts being a source of frustration or guilt.
The Disconnect
Sex in media looks spontaneous and effortless, setting unrealistic expectations. In real life, couples often discover that their early passion doesn't last without effort. Many fall into routines that feel predictable or unfulfilling.
For women, this shift can feel like an emotional burden. You might ask yourself: “Why bother, if there’s little or nothing in it for me?”
Stacie’s Story
Let’s look at a real-life example to understand this better.
Stacie, 35, is a married mom of two with a successful graphic design business. Early in her relationship, sex was exciting and frequent. But after a few years, the pressures of work, parenting, and life caused her sex life to take a back seat.
While she cares deeply for her husband and values their connection, she started having “guilt sex” to keep the peace. This evolved into “avoidance sex,” where intimacy became more of a chore than a pleasure.
Does this sound familiar?
Why Does This Happen?
Stacie’s situation isn’t unusual, and she doesn’t have a sexual dysfunction. Research shows that only about 25% of women report significant distress about their sex lives.
Instead, like many women, Stacie fell into the trap of goal-oriented sex—where orgasm is the ultimate measure of success. This framework often prioritizes a partner’s pleasure over her own, leaving her feeling unsatisfied and disconnected.
The Role of Delayed Sexual Response
Many women, like Stacie, experience delayed sexual response. At the start of sex, their minds are racing with stress, to-do lists, or distractions. It takes time for their bodies and minds to sync, but by the time they feel ready, the moment may have passed—or the sex might already be over.
This can lead to frustration and resentment, making sex feel like more effort than it’s worth.
Why Women Don’t Ask for What They Want
For women, there are often three barriers to advocating for their desires in the bedroom:
- They don’t know how.
- They don’t feel they deserve it.
- They think it’s too much work.
Over time, these patterns can create cycles of avoidance and disconnection in a relationship.
How to Shift the Dynamic
Turning this around isn’t about learning new “tricks” or techniques—it’s about changing your mindset and approach to sex.
Start by recognizing the problem:
- Are you stuck in the “orgasm-as-the-goal” rut?
- Do you struggle with delayed sexual response?
- Are you ignoring your own desires because it feels easier than speaking up?
From there, focus on reframing sex as something for you—something that aligns with your pleasure and needs.
What Stacie (and You) Can Do
Stacie’s first step is to have an open, honest conversation with her partner. Communication is critical to creating a fulfilling sex life, but it’s often overlooked.
Next, she needs to reframe her mindset. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, she can explore what brings her pleasure and satisfaction—whether that’s intimacy, connection, or just having fun again.
By understanding her responsive desire, Stacie can allow herself to relax and let her arousal build naturally.
A Positive Sexual Mindset
Women like Stacie don’t need to overhaul their sex lives overnight. Instead, they need to shift their mindset from negative to neutral to positive. This takes time, effort, and communication—but it’s entirely possible.
Wrap-Up
Ask yourself:
- Are you stuck in a predictable or unfulfilling sexual routine?
- Do you experience delayed sexual response?
- Are you ignoring your own needs in the bedroom?
What small step can you take today to make your sexual experiences about you again?
Creating a sex life that works for you doesn’t have to be overwhelming. The Sex’cess Blog and Sensational Sex Podcast are here to guide you every step of the way.
Check out Dr Trina’s Sex Boot Camp Masterclass https://books.trinaread.com/SexBootCampMasterclass
Check out Dr Trina’s Sex Boot Camp Course https://www.trinaread.com/sex-boot-camp-course
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