How Much Sex Is Normal?

When it comes to sex, one of the most common questions is: How much sex is normal? Or some variation of it—like, Am I normal when it comes to my sex life?

Check out the corresponding podcast episode HERE

Spoiler: There’s no universal answer. The idea of “normal” varies wildly based on individual preferences, life circumstances, and relationship dynamics. However, intimacy expert Shan Boodram shared an insightful perspective on this topic in a recent Instagram video.

Shan Boodram’s Take on “Normal”

Shan, author of The Game of Desire and a well-known intimacy coach, responded to the question, “How much sex is realistically normal in a marriage?” Her reply:

“The amount of sex of whoever wants sex the least. If that’s two times a month, then it’s two times a month. And if you want to change that, then change how you have sex with that person. Love them more. Do more chores around the house. It’s up to the partner who wants it more to make it more interesting.”

While her response sparked some disagreement among her panelists, Shan doubled down, emphasizing the importance of consensual, enthusiastic sex and addressing the root causes of sexual disconnect.

Desire Types: Spontaneous, Responsive, and Compassionate

Shan also discussed Karen Gurney’s book Mind the Gap, which outlines different types of sexual desire:

• Spontaneous Desire: Feeling “in the mood” without external prompts.
• Responsive Desire: Becoming aroused in response to touch, connection, or a partner’s initiation.
• Compassionate Desire: Choosing to engage in sex to bring happiness to your partner, even if you’re not initially in the mood.

Shan stressed that if you don’t feel spontaneous, responsive, or compassionate desire—or if you’re not genuinely enthusiastic—then it’s okay to say no to sex. The responsibility for improving intimacy lies with both partners, particularly in addressing pain points or emotional disconnects.

Why More Sex Isn’t Always the Solution

There’s a common myth that having more sex automatically leads to happier relationships, but research suggests otherwise.

For example, a Calgary couple famously attempted to have sex every day for a year and blogged about it. After just six months, they stopped—the experience had become a chore, straining both their intimacy and relationship satisfaction.

Studies back this up: having more sex doesn’t necessarily lead to greater happiness. Instead, quality matters more than quantity.

What Research Tells Us About Frequency

A 2017 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that the average adult has sex about 54 times a year—roughly once a week. This frequency has decreased since the 1990s, but it’s still considered the “Goldilocks standard” for many couples: not too little, not too much.

A separate study from Social Psychological and Personality Science analyzed over 30,000 Americans’ sex lives over 40 years. The findings? Couples who had sex more than once a week weren’t any happier, while those having sex less often reported feeling less fulfilled.

Do You Want Sex More Often?

If you’re craving more frequent or satisfying sex, consider focusing on intimacy as a whole—not just intercourse. Physical closeness, like cuddling, oral and manual stimulation, and sharing fantasies, all contribute to deeper bonding and desire.

Meeting your partner’s emotional needs is also key. When both partners prioritize each other’s core needs, it fosters enthusiasm and mutual satisfaction in the relationship.

It’s About Connection, Not Numbers

Instead of striving for a “magic number,” focus on building a stronger connection through intimacy. Ask yourself:

• Is the amount of sex we’re having affecting our overall happiness as a couple?
• Am I paying attention to the types of desire (spontaneous, responsive, or compassionate) within our relationship?
• What small changes can I make today to improve the quality of our sexual experiences?

Improving your sex life takes effort and communication, but the rewards are worth it.

Wrap-Up

The key to a satisfying sex life isn’t about hitting a quota—it’s about understanding what works for you and your partner. By focusing on connection, communication, and mutual effort, you can create a fulfilling intimacy that meets both of your needs.

We’re here to support you on this journey—whether through the insights on the Sex’cess Blog or the conversations on the Sensational Sex podcast. Let’s redefine what “normal” means for your relationship—on your terms.

Check out Dr Trina’s Sex Boot Camp Masterclass https://books.trinaread.com/SexBootCampMasterclass 

Check out Dr Trina’s Sex Boot Camp Course https://www.trinaread.com/sex-boot-camp-course 

Want FREEBIES from The Sensational Sex Podcast? Fill out this form https://link.suburbanintimacy.com/widget/form/UlN6FuZnzAd6AmGfyVMt 

Check out The Sensational Sex Podcast https://sensationalsexpodcast.com/  and https://podfollow.com/the-sensational-sex-podcast/view  

Book a FREE Discovery Call with Amy https://www.suburbanintimacy.com/discovery-call-1967 

Shop Amy’s FAVOURITES https://suburbanintimacyshop.com/  

Check out Dr Trina Read’s books https://www.trinaread.com/273b685d-c1e0-42b8-9650-173c24d7667b