Good Sex Starts in the Mind
Here's the corresponding podcast episode!
What You'll Learn
- Why about half of all women face sexual difficulties at some point in their lives, with low interest in sex being the most common.
- How to identify and reframe negative thoughts about sex.
- Why a positive sexual mindset is essential for cultivating desire, increasing pleasure, and finding joy in intimacy.
- Six actionable strategies to transform your sexual mindset today.
What Is a Positive Sexual Mindset?
A positive sexual mindset is the foundation of a satisfying and fulfilling sex life. It’s your beliefs, attitudes, and emotional relationship with sex—shaping how you perceive, respond to, and experience intimacy.
As Denise Duffield-Thomas says, “Positive mindset is everything. The rest you can Google.”
This doesn’t mean expecting sex to always be perfect—it won’t be. Life has its way of sidelining your sexuality, whether it’s kids, career changes, health challenges, or other stressors. During these times, it’s easy to develop a negative sexual mindset that reinforces frustration and disconnection.
Do You Have a Negative Sexual Mindset?
Studies reveal that nearly half of women encounter sexual difficulties, with lack of interest being both the most common and distressing. Unfortunately, when your sexuality struggles, it often spills over into other areas of your life—affecting your confidence, relationships, and overall happiness.
Shifting to a positive mindset helps you focus on what’s going right in your sex life, rather than what’s going wrong. It’s about approaching your sexuality with intention, curiosity, and a willingness to grow.
As Dr. Lori Brotto, Director of UBC Sexual Health Laboratory, explains, “Satisfying sex is quite simply not possible without mindfulness.”
Why Your Mindset Is the Magic Bullet
A positive sexual mindset isn’t just about better sex—it improves many aspects of your life:
- Better coping skills
- Reduced stress
- Stronger relationships
- Improved resilience and self-esteem
- Lower rates of depression
- Enhanced mental health and productivity
- Greater longevity
But Here’s the Challenge…Your negative sexual mindset may tell you that you don’t deserve satisfying sex, that asking for what you want is selfish, or that you’re incapable of experiencing pleasure. It’s time to quiet those voices and reclaim your sexual narrative.
Six Practical Steps to Transform Your Sexual Mindset
Here are six steps you can take today to cultivate a positive sexual mindset. Start small and pay attention to how your thoughts and feelings begin to shift:
Notice and Reframe Negative Thoughts: Pay attention to your inner dialogue around sex. Are your thoughts critical or dismissive? When you catch yourself thinking negatively, interrupt the pattern with a phrase like, “I want to enjoy my sexual experience!”
Practice Gratitude: Gratitude shifts your focus toward positivity. Write down three specific things you’re thankful for each day. Over time, this trains your mind to look for the good in your life—and your intimacy.
Be Kind to Yourself: Self-compassion is key. Take time to nurture your happiness, whether it’s through a walk, a favorite hobby, or a relaxing bath. The more you care for yourself, the easier it becomes to approach sex with positivity.
Do Something Kind for Your Partner: Strengthen your bond by showing love and appreciation. Small acts of kindness help build trust and emotional connection, which naturally enhance intimacy.
Laugh More: Laughter can be a powerful tool for overcoming sexual challenges. When you can find humor in a tough situation, it means you’ve taken back control. Celebrate these moments as victories.
Commit to Your Growth: Notice when you’re avoiding change and gently challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone. Imagine a world where you confidently ask for the sex you want—and remind yourself that your growth depends on your willingness to act.
Wrap-Up
Your positive sexual mindset is the foundation for cultivating desire, enhancing pleasure, and discovering joy in intimacy.
Start small:
- Catch one negative thought about sex and explore how it impacts your experience.
- Notice your inner dialogue before, during, or after intimacy—what patterns emerge?
- Reflect on the gap between your current mindset and the one you want to develop.
Building a positive sexual mindset takes time, but the journey is worth it. With patience and persistence, you’ll discover a more fulfilling and confident sexual self. And we’re here to guide you every step of the way.
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