James Fleckenstein

Using my Affirmative Intimacy® approach, I work with people interested in nonmonogamy. I help them create the open relationship they want, making it less stressful.

Together, we focus on:

• Breaking free from the idea that there's only one way to be in a relationship 
• Improving how they communicate, and
• Strengthening their ability to handle feelings - even strong ones.

This leads to a relationship that satisfies both their emotional and physical needs.

Background:

I’m an experienced coach and observer of relationships. I’ve seen all of the common relationship issues.  I’ve repeatedly seen them damage the quality and health of relationships.

In my research, I was struck by the diversity of approaches to creating happy relationships. Yet, I felt that nothing I looked at offered a sufficiently comprehensive approach. I felt that many approaches weren’t well grounded in objective research. Others reflected a bias that I found unappealing.

I wanted to create a new approach that included the best of the existing literature. I believed it important to ground this new approach in science, not folk tales. It’s also important that it emphasize our individuality and our personal responsibility for our relational happiness.

Affirmative Intimacy® is the result of years of research and firsthand experience working with people just like you. My approach is to help empower you to create the relationship you’re looking to have. I created Affirmative Intimacy® to expand on and blend together mutually supportive concepts from the pioneering work of some of the giants of psychotherapy. I firmly believe that if you practice the approach I’ve developed, you’ll definitely see a life-changing positive difference in your relationship.

The skills I identified and incorporated into my approach were commonly found in successful nonmonogamous relationships. Though I share them as a means to improve any relationship, they are especially valuable in creating and maintaining a nonexclusive relationship.

Why affirmative intimacy? Because it is expressly not passive. It puts the responsibility for having the relationship you desire completely in your own hands. Then I give you the tools to fulfill that responsibility. Intimacy and relationship success don’t just happen. They require conscious action on a daily basis.  But most agree the payoff is worth it!

The Affirmative Intimacy® approach is built upon four key skills or tools. I call them the Four Pillars, because they provide the support for a successful, joyous, and enduring intimate relationship - exclusive or open. 

Communication is a critical skill in every method I studied. It’s also one of the most frequent trouble spots reported. I had to include communication education. I built the Structured Dialog Pillar of Affirmative Intimacy® on insights from psychology and even business communication. To progress, you must seek to understand and be understood - accurately.

To encourage essential personal growth and responsibility, I drew upon the work of Dr. Albert Ellis, the creator of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), the basis for much of the field of cognitive behavioral therapy. To this I add insights from other traditions of mindfulness. Pulling this together, I created the Mindful Reason Pillar of Affirmative Intimacy®. My goal is to help you master harmful emotional reactivity and irrational beliefs.

As to retaining responsibility and accountability while in relationship, I studied the work of psychiatrist Murray Bowen, M.D., creator of Family Systems Theory. Psychologist David Schnarch, Ph.D., then developed a method for using Bowen’s principles in couples therapy. Both pioneers identified differentiation of self as critical to sustainable relationships. What does this mean? "[A] term used to describe one whose emotional process is no longer ultimately dependent on anything other than themselves. They are able to live and function on their own without undue anxiety or over-dependence on others. They are self-sufficient. Their sense of worth is not dependent on external relationships, circumstances or occurrences." - Thomas Fischer, M.Div. This means you can bring your whole self to the relationships you're in. You need not cling desperately to the relationship or a partner to "complete" you. Combining this vital insight with mindfulness gives me much of the basis for the Differentiation of Self Pillar of Affirmative Intimacy®.

I found one thing that seemed missing in the work of relationship theorists. They never explicitly discussed what must come first before using any of their techniques. Unless you first create a favorable environment in which to use them, they’re just ideas. It seemed that everyone simply assumed that the parties were psychologically prepared to engage in these conversations.

My unique addition was to develop a specific method for creating the Safe Space necessary to make progress. I see Safe Space as the container within which all of the other skills can be used. Without Safe Space, you are seldom able to build an optimal relationship. Until Safe Space is co-created, the best techniques fall on deaf ears. Therefore, Safe Space became the First Pillar of Affirmative Intimacy®

These are the Four Pillars of my Affirmative Intimacy® – Safe Space, Structured Dialog, Mindful Reason, and Differentiation of Self. Each feeds into and supports the others. Together, I believe they can transform your relationship and your life.